The Science of Having a Great Conversation

“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard,” declared the early 19th-century essayist William Hazlitt in his *On the Conversation of Authors*, published in 1820.)

You might also avoid [boomerasking](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X21001901)—that’s the habit of posing a question as an excuse to talk about yourself. We could ask about someone’s profession, for example—not because we care how their job is going, but because we want to brag about our own promotion.)

As you converse, avoid being distracted by your surroundings. Each time that you show your mind is wandering, you weaken the connection that could have arisen from more attentive listening.)

The practice of “phubbing”—or phone snubbing, constantly interrupting a conversation to check your smartphone—is similarly disruptive.)

Given Hazlitt’s Law, we might conclude that we should always allow our acquaintance to take center stage. This advice can be found in many influential etiquette guides, but [psychological research](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/01461672221104927) shows that it is misguided: We should feel free to take our fair share of the airtime. The creation of a shared reality between two people relies on us understanding *each other*.)

People who have undertaken heightened self-disclosure begin to show some of the physiological markers of social connection. When we form a shared reality with someone, our brains and bodies begin to synchronize as we both read and respond to the world in the same way. Our hormonal responses to stress [become attuned](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34214863/), for example—so that levels of cortisol rise and fall in tandem as we experience the same events.)

The warm feelings of affection and trust that arise from self-disclosure seem to be aroused by the [release of natural opioids in the brain](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0963721417735531), which encourages further bonding. To prove this, in 2019 a group of Canadian scientists turned to a drug called naltrexone that blocks the brain’s opioid signaling. Someone who is given morphine after taking naltrexone won’t feel the pain relief or sense of bliss that typically accompanies the drug. If opioids can explain some of the buzz we get from social connection, then participants who have taken naltrexone should not reap such large benefits from the fast friends procedure.)

[“novelty penalty.”](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797616685870) The term comes from an experiment by Gus Cooney, one of the researchers who discovered the [liking gap](https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/BoothbyCooneySandstromClark2018.pdf)—the disparity between how much someone thinks another person likes them, versus how much they actually do.)